 Young Andy wasn't always the full time Irish songster he is now. In fact he trained as a doctor at Queens University Belfast and then worked in the Craigavon hospital for a year. Due to various traumatic occurrences in his life, we now believe Dr. A T Flannagan is perfectly qualified to answer all your questions on life, love, physical, worshipful, emotional, and even automotive ailments. 'No question is too big or too small.'
Andy accepts no liability for occurrences due to any of his advice. This, is purely a comedy exercise. Of course he may choose to give you some good advice, but still.
> I'm ailing - let Dr. Flan help you with your problems!
AILMENT: life PROBLEM(S): Dear Dr. Flan, I was at one of your gigs the other day when you mentioned a website where you can estimate how much pollution you have caused the environment and then pay for it. I can't remember the website though! What was it? REPLY:Glad you asked – it’s www.climate-stewards.co.uk Go there – it’s a clever way of getting folks 'climate-aware' - calculate the amount of money you owe the planet... AILMENT: automotive PROBLEM(S): I have a car that I'm worried about. It's called Herbie, the love bug. But someone told me that love bugs or S.T.D.s are bad for you especially if you have herbes. EMAIL: neekharding@yahoo.com REPLY: You obviously need help, Nick, but it is beyond my power to provide it! AILMENT: life PROBLEM(S): Dearest Flan, yesterday I visited the doctor (a real one) and told him that I had noticed something on my face. He used all this medical jargon and i couldn't understand him. I think he called it a "nose" but that can't be right because I haven't yet saved enough money to buy one of those! what am I to do? REPLY: I’m not sure I like your tone! – what do you mean ‘a real one’? What are you implying? Saving up for plastic surgery is hard work I know – all that hard earned cash being turned to plastic. Perhaps you should try a sponsored sneeze or something to raise money faster.
AILMENT: love PROBLEM(S): I need to know how men reveal that they are falling for someone..... are there typical signs that we women can look out for? This can help avoid difficult situatins and pursue the right ones...... EMAIL: sounds_promising@hotmail.com REPLY: A very good question - Eye contact. Quick responses to text messages. Willingness to drive many miles. Haircuts. Ironing shirts previously unironed.
AILMENT: physical PROBLEM(S): Dear Dr Flan, a close friend of mine, who is more muscular than fat was recently 'play- punching' me to suggest my own abs may be quite firm. Suddenly in walks another friend of ours who, I believe, considers himself to be very very fit. He laughs at my first friend's actions and comments how we are both "ugly, fat and unpleasant to hang around with". I'm not sure if he was unaware of how offensive this was to us both or if he was deliberately just plain rude. How do I let him know what he has done, without losing his friendship? I just want to make sure he doesn't hurt anyone else? Oh, and he laughs really loud as well. yours feeling fat, ugly and unliked in a distant suburb of London. REPLY:Have you considered that this man may be a prophet? They are never popular at the time of their pronouncements…… EMAIL: barry@yfc.co.uk
AILMENT: life PROBLEM(S): Dear Flan,I'm trying to think of some countries in Europe. I can only think of two -Switzerland and Switzerland. Can YOU think of any more?? REPLY Yes indeed.
AILMENT: life PROBLEM(S):dear mr flannagan, im awfuly wurried and terribly confused, u c i was at urgig the other nite and ur beard really gave me the creeps! it was like it had alife of its own, please get rid of it so that i can get back to real liferather than the insane parrellel universe of andys beard!?yours, confused, very confused!! REPLY Sorry for the inconvenience my beard seems to have caused you. It is only a very little beard. I am sure it meant you no harm. And much to the surprise of many questioners it is NOT BLEACHED. Read the eyebrows! My friend Dr. Johnston is a keen advocate of its removal, so I will give your request some prayer and reflection. Watch this space. (or that space between by chin and lower lip…..)
AILMENT: physical PROBLEM(S):why is that when you wax some hair it grows back lighter but when you waxother hair it grows back darker? REPLY It all depends whether or not you are praying during the waxing process. If it is on balance a positive spiritual experience then they grow back lighter, but if you’ve been selfishly stuck inside your own head, then I’m afraid they come back darker. I find that’s its quite a useful ‘spiritual health-check’ for me every month. ‘Let your light shine before men……”
AILMENT: life PROBLEM(S): Dear Dr Flan,If a train is traveling from Durham to Luton at 76 miles per hour and anothertrain is travelling in the opposite direction at 55 miles per hour and theyboth set off at the same time... at what time is my dinner ready?Yours mathematicallyGemPS "This is a passenger announcement. The train on platform one, two, three,four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven and twelve has come insideways." EMAIL: g.l.powell@dur.ac.uk When the microwave in the buffet car goes ‘ping’! It will be hot, but soggy too. Sorry.
AILMENT: life PROBLEM(S): Dear Dr Flan,I have a condition called Shamboliclivingspace syndrome, the symtoms areDisorganized bookshelves, Chaotic floorspace and untidy bed and shelves. I have had this since I was a kid and my mother has tried everything to cure itincluding the laying on of hands (with vigour!) However there is always aperiod of respite and then recurrs with a vengence.Is there anything I can do?Please help me, F. from a village nearby EMAIL: faitheswilson@hotmail.com REPLY: I have also suffered for many years from this horrible ailment. The main thing you must know is that it’s NOT YOUR FAULT. Different illnesses afflict us all, and this just happens to be ours. Many health freaks will attempt to convince you by some dodgy self-help program that you could actually tidy your room, but in my experience, this is best left to professionals. You wouldn’t operate on your own appendix! The emotional imbalance that may be caused is simply not worth the risk. You are ill. Act like it.
AILMENT: worshipful PROBLEM(S):Since I can't find any link to Belgium on your website (oh yes to theNetherlands, but that 's not the same), I end op in despair (though no realailment) in this question box.I know there may not be a big market in this country, but it's a preciousquestion how I can order your new CD out of that lovely country named'Belgi�'?Looking forward for your remedy,collegialiter,Dr. Gom REPLY We’re working on this. Thanks for the interest!
AILMENT: automotive PROBLEM(S): dear dr flan,many thanks for your response to my emotional ailment regarding the savagesthat approached my door some time ago. perhaps i did not articulate theunderlying issue which i do believe is no longer emotional, but automotive.where exactly did thon minibus take me to that early summer-eve?sincerely,country road REPLY: It is more blessed to give than receive (information) – imagine how blessed you are…
AILMENT: physical PROBLEM(S): Boldness or baldness?Dear Dr FlanI am not sure if my problem is a spiritual or physical one... but it iscewrtainly manifest in the physical! As a young man I remember being prayed forby a particualrly charismatic preacher who asked God to bless me with boldness.Shortly after this I noticed my hair started to fall out and I wondered ifperhaps God misunderstood this chap - as I did, because of his southern USaccent - and thought that he had actually asked for me to be blessed withbaldness not boldness?? I now sit many years later with the hair style ofFabien Barthez or Andre Agassi wondering what can be done - and then I saw yourwebsite!So tell me should I be praying for a reversal of the prayer if it indeed was amistake or doing something more practical?Thanks Follecularly challenged of Potters Bar REPLY: This is indeed a problem. As evidenced by the words of Isaac in the Old Testament, the words of a blessing do stick, even if there has been some misunderstanding! I think therefore that you must embrace this blessing, for what it is – a gift from the Almighty. You provide the perfect target for lighting engineers to focus their beams on before a gig. In fact many of them end up wearing sunglasses. Failing that, if you feel the desire to rebel, then the Arndale market has some very fetching wigs that would take your ministry to a whole new level…. AILMENT: love PROBLEM(S): dear dr flan:who should i go for? the boy from summer madness who is leaving the country ina month to go to uni, or the boy next door who has a random daughter which he'forgot' to tell me about? or neither?thank you,'waiting anxiously for a reply' REPLY: More information required. The same is true for you. AILMENT: life PROBLEM(S): Hiandy could you tell me the name of a cord, its in the shape of an E but on the9th fret, there is also another cord th same shape only on the 7th fret?Can you get sheet music for all the songs on SON?Dayzed and confused The sheet music for some of the songs from SON is on the CD-rom section. You’re referring to an open B! AILMENT: How come you are not called Mr. Quiche? Miss Tea EMAIL: fipoulson@hotmail.com REPLY: Because neither of my parents were eggs. PROBLEM(S): Dr Flan Ever since this year's greenbelt festival, my friend and I have been suffering from multiple personality disorders. We go onto band website forums and suddenly she thinks she's a rubber duck called Alan, and I become convinced I'm an inflatable elephant called Ken. Is this common among greenbelters, or is just us that this has happened to? Is there anyway to stop this, or are we now going to be like this for the rest of our lives? Ellie and Anna and Ken and Alan EMAIL: elena_mcmanus@hotmail.com REPLY: Quack AILMENT: worshipful PROBLEM(S): Dear Dr Flan Ever since hearing 'See the Stars' at New WIne ( and Bournemouth FC !) I have been unable to stop myself lying on the grass at night (with CD on loud)looking skyward. The neighbours think Im demented and my back is now getting very wet. It's all your fault....so please can you suggest a rememdy ?!! (ps) Im teaching 'Space' to my kids at school at present...HOW LONG did you say it takes for us to 'see' a star ...y'know, that very long number you always quote when you talk about this song ?!!! EMAIL: lydia@winwood87.fsnet.co.uk 4 light years (closest) 600,000 light years (furthest) You don’t need a remedy! You’ve never been more well! Who’s really mad? AILMENT: love PROBLEM(S): I have been going out with my girlfriend for just over 10 months now and I am extremly fond of her. But how do I know if she is the 'one' EMAIL: kris20482@hotmail.com REPLY: There is no hard and fast rule on this one. There are 2 very differing theories on “the one” issue. People that have found “the one” do believe in it, and people who haven’t, don’t!! – generally!! Personally – I don’t believe that there is only one person for you, but once you commit to them, they are ‘the one’. We load ourselves up with so much stress as if we have to be detectives to work it out or something. I don’t think that is what God intended. AILMENT: love PROBLEM(S): Dear Dr Andy Why are girls never impressed by anything a guy does?? no matter how hard i try i can never do anything right yours a liitle confused but still cool REPLY: I fear that your last 3 words may give away the problem. Stop trying to be cool, and be yourself, and stop trying to impress them. AILMENT: worshipful PROBLEM(S): How could God love me? EMAIL: Suzieperfect@hotmail.co.uk He just does. His very nature is love. He is love. He invented love. He cannot help but love everyone. It’s amazing but true! You aren’t the issue – he can’t not love you. Being perfect (as you seem to imply by your email address) doesn’t make any difference! Our attitude to love is shaped by what we experience from others, and what we know we feel ourselves. That’s a love that says ‘I’ll love you as long as…, or I’ll love you if….’ There are no qualifiers with God’s love. He loves us full stop!
AILMENT: love PROBLEM(S): after an amazing time at Sprig harvest this year, I have this habit of busting into song in the middle of public places. I personally don't mind doing it but I have noticed a drop in the number of the people who will be with me in Public! What can I do to stop these random outbursts of song?? Concerned in Bromley EMAIL: butter_fingers14@hotmail.com REPLY I need to check if you are also leaving a hat at your feet for change while doing this?
AILMENT: emotional PROBLEM(S): Dear dr Flan! My doctor has advised me to see a counsellor, and the thought petrifies me! any wise words? I fear i mat be suffering from depression. REPLY It’s rarely a bad idea to talk to other people about your life. Many of our problems stem from keeping stuff inside because we are shy or ashamed of things. Other folks give us perspective, especially when we might be being too hard on ourselves! AILMENT: automotive PROBLEM(S): Dear Dr. Flan, Since I have become a Christian, I have been unable to stop myself from buying cars. I started with an MG but have since been driving Nissan Micras and Volvos. Is there something wrong with me and more importantly, what would Jesus drive? EMAIL: robchidley@hotmail.com REPLY I reckon he would take public transport, to keep himself fit, be more communal, and help the environment. |
